SATURDAY NIGHTS WITH SPARKS

USHERS, PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

This is a memo to all those ushers who would not let me sleep in my father’s house!!

Yes, you Sister Mary Amaka long skirt and Bro John Chibuzor Amazing suit…

Ah ah!!!! Ogini?? Leave me alone!!!

You close eye small and if they don’t poke you with biro cover, they tap you most embarrassingly. I have this friend who is the mistress at ignoring, tap her forever and she won’t shake, even your biro will get tired of poking someone else and turn to scream at you.

When I was quite younger, then our church had no plastic chairs, just benches, so if you must sleep, sleep with a purpose- NOT TO FALL!! I sat a few benches away from this young boy that fateful Sunday, who slept and assumed he had mastered the art of sleeping. He sat at the edge on the first bench with his head comfortably on his chin. I was carried away watching him, instead of listening to the message. He would doze off and stretch North-West…then move North-East…and then come back to North-Central.

Mischievous me was just pinching my sisters and pointing at him, and we were having a good laugh, when suddenly….he dozed, stretched past North-West..all the way to South Central and hit the floor…Gbam!!! I laughed sooo hard that day in church, and each time I see him, I still remember what happened over 10years ago. The Bible said Daniel purposed in his heart, but not in this case, from that moment, I purposed in my heart NEVER to sleep in church and fall my hand!!!

Lo and behold, I found myself in that situation some few Sundays back. I went to church with my sister, quite late sef, because I was misinformed about the time for service. So I was almost 45minutes late.

As soon as I hit my seat, the demon of sleep just shot an arrow at me, fiam!!! It hit me right in the middle of my forehead and I started dozing.

I shook myself and was like, ah ah, a whole me?? Sleep in church?? After all the forming with the beautiful Iro and Buba, I knacked that day, my 6inches to heaven color blocking heels??, Noooooo!! I can’t fall my hand.

You know the most embarrassing part is when your jotter, key or pen falls to the ground and nobody touched you oo…or the highly embarrassing one when your Bible falls loudly Gbam!! on the floor.

Men and brethren, I tried to open my eyes, the devil said no. I was just wondering if I should behave like those smart church leaders who sit at the pulpit and doze off, then when their Bible falls, they will start shaking their heads left to right as if they were praying. In fact, if they want to convince you more, they will walk around waking other people that are sleeping. In my mind, I will be like, lookatew!!!!

I decided to take charge of my situation, so I just told my sister I was pressed and going home since the house is just like 5minutes away from church. I dropped my Bible and jotter on my chair beside her, got home, laid down there in the sitting room, and sleeeeeept!! Oh yes, I did with no regrets.

You needed to see the look my sister gave me when she came back from church that

day!! Hahahahah!!

See,

You cannot pray sleep away, nor cheat nature. I would rather go home than disrespect God by sleeping in his house. Ushers, biko I withdraw that memo.

To me, you haven’t conquered sleep until you can sleep with your eyes wide open, I know someone who did that once….hmmm…strange best friends!!

My question is, why do we sleep in church?? Is it boredom?? To me I would say yes, there are churches I go to and don’t even remember the word sleep.

I mean, we can stay awake at shows and parties, even watching movies till 3 am, but just 3hours in church and we are dozing off. Guys waking up with instant Appollo, girls carrying up their faces and you see lines as if they pre-sketched map of Lake Chad on their faces.

In my opinion, though I know church leaders may never read my column, at least for now..*shines teeth*…I think content is important. Youths are lively and energetic people, so if you are dishing out a message to us, even the sight of your yellow shirt, brown trousers, and ox blood tie is enough to enhance our sleeping abilities.

We are a people on fire, we need young people to teach us, people who can relate to our everyday life, pastors who have heard of WhatsApp, twitter, Instagram, Facebook!!!! Who can tell us not to copy Kim K and co, who inspire us, can actually understand us, our relationship struggles, and also challenge us….not long hymns and 10 subheadings and 3hrs sermon on the mount.

I hope I haven’t said too much…but is that too much to ask??

Why do you sleep in church?? What’s your excuse?? For me its boredom…and it was “attempted” sleep by the way…lol

Andikan Inyang
As a Chemical Engineering graduate, former Immigration Officer and present day banker.....and most importantly, a foodie, I hide behind my pen.......therein lies my strength. I hope to pursue a career in writing and explore the world of poetry. So help me God.